I keep trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Where the missed opportunities were, why i didn't recognize or appreciate that not having children or not being in a stable relationship to have them was wrong. That I was doing something fundamentally flawed. Self doubt, lack of confidence was part of it. This overwhelming feeling that I was never good enough for any woman. That no one would ever love me, appreciate me or find me an acceptable or appealing partner. Funny, I still struggle with that problem. Its what has made my career more successful than my relationships with women. But at the same time made my relationships with others so difficult, if not impossible.
At work I push, push, push myself to do more, work smarter, work harder, start earlier, and stay later. I can see how well I do in either my pay, my annual reviews, or the metrics for my performance. But in a relationship how on earth do you know if it is going good? How doing you know if your doing a good "job", meeting the "expectations", or exceeding the "goals"? In short how can you know or feel secure in a relationship while not resting your hopes and dreams on a house of cards.? I just don't know how to answer those questions. I suppose the correct answer is, "Clark, this isn't a job or game. Its a relationship. It involves a thing called trust which you have in very short supply". I try to think which relationships, not just romantic relationships, with men or women I have ever felt secure or trusted. The answer, sorry to say, is none. I have never felt safe or secure in any relationship I have ever had. I can remember being 14 years old and sitting on this creepy gold sofa in my mothers living room (she had a thing for slightly gaudy, creepy looking furnishings) and knowing, not just thinking, but knowing that this whole relationship thing would never work out for me. That in the end I would be alone and miserable. It was an overwhelming fear, a dread certainty, that I can still remember to this day, still remember the terror of that moment
I have always felt I could lose it all in the blink of an eye. That my relationships with the opposite sex could disappear in a blink of an eye. I guess that would explain my tendency to either pull away after committing or going the old fashioned route and engaging in deliberate self destruction of all my personal relationships, especially romantic attachments. Of the eight serious romantic relationships I have had with women Three relationships I just lost interest in pursuing and broke it off. Two others broke it off with me (after ignoring them). One I was so seriously in love with that we dated for two years, never touched and I broke it off when I realized I would never have the courage to tell her how I really felt., I ended two others I cared about deeply (One for getting drunk constantly, other because I knew she wouldn't marry me. Which I desperately wanted at the time.) that just wouldn't work out. These dint include my two marriages. The first ended in divorce when she fell in love with another man. Second is currently ongoing, but is a very distant relationship with minimal emotional attachment.
There were two women who definitely wanted to marry me and have children besides my current wife. Angie T. and Cecilia M. wanted to have have the relationship and children. Angie I met when I was 22 years old and working for a construction company. She was a gymnast from the Philippines. I felt she was to clingy, to needy. I would get calls all times of the day and night. Everything I liked she adopted. I was a fan of the California Angels, so she became one. I took up running, so did she. Just a constant desire to be with me at all times and places. It was claustrophobic. Cecilia I met on a blind date. I was 35 years old, she was 33 years old. She was from Panamá. The relationship started strong, but eventually withered and died. She was pushy and assertive. She was also a snob. Her family prided itself on its "Spanish" heritage. That was her way of saying they didn't sleep (the more direct verb is "fuck") with people of non white or mixed race heritage. She would refer to Indians, Mestizos, Blacks etc as "dirty people". She didn't even think that was even borderline insensitive let alone racist. That was a quality I didn't appreciate no matter whatever else she brought to the table, or bed.
